I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
