you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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