Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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