What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
