i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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