i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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