I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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