I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
