and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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