I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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