I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
