So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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