I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
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In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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