Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
