i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
