My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
