when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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