New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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