I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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