The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
