dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
