He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
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Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
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I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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