Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
love makes seman taste better
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
