i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
