Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
