You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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