im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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