Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
