I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
