I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
