This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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