I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
