So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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