Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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