im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Drunk is a universal language darling
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