chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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