You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
