I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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