i jhust puked up my retainher.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
