I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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