Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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