Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
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then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
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yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave