Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
