Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
