I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
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I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
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I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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