True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
