you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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