Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
