Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
