I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i black out too much to be "responsible"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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