I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
