Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
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At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
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What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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