Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Of course I have a pirate flag
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
