Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
