Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
