This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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