There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
