please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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