At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
