I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
